Quaking-on-Self
By Grishnak the Relentless

My introduction to video gaming came in 1989 when I started playing Zelda. More than once I sat down to play in the early evening and was shocked when, after what seemed to me to be a short half hour of play, I discovered the entire night had slipped away and sunlight was coming in at the window. Needless to say, I was hooked. I had no way of knowing that the innocent play of this video game would change my life. That same year Zelda was the focus of the IDHHB annual convention. During that convention I had the opportunity to observe a variety of people under a variety of conditions while they played Zelda. The idea had been introduced to us that the way we played Zelda was also the way we lived our lives. If we could observe ourselves in Zelda as we observe ourselves in life we could begin to see a correlation between the two. Although I had been avidly playing Zelda I couldn't really see the correlation. However, after observing so many people in their game play and in their daily lives during the convention, I knew that there was definitely a correlation between how they lived their lives and how they played Zelda. So, armed with that observation of others I began to watch my play much more closely. One of the first things I noticed was the amazing amount of energy required to play. The times I played a low energy game I was not successful. The monsters seemd unkillable and the puzzles unsolvable. Then I realized that there was an attitude that accompanied the lack of energy in play. After observing that attitude in myself while playing the game I began to look for the same attitude and its effects in my daily life. It didn't take long before I was rewarded for my efforts. What I was able to observe in my life was that the attitude preceded the low energy play; and, of course, the results were the same in daily life as in the game. The monsters seemed unkillable and the puzzles unsolvable. I continued to observe this attitude/low energy correlation for several more months of intense play. What I observed next was the slow but sure erosion of the attitude that caused low energy play. Through the simple observation of my continuing play in Zelda - not trying to change anything - something had changed. Here was a subtlety I was delighted to find. I began observing the decreasing appearance of the low energy attitude and realized that somewhere along the way I had learned to play through it. Much to my delight I observed the same results in my life. Though it seemed a little slower I could see the same erosion occuring. The low energy attitude had much less hold on my life. I had found a tool that could be used to get at those areas that were hard for me to see in daily life. Now I was hooked on an entirely different aspect of the game. I no longer played the game just to play; now I played as a way to self-observe. Since my introduction to Zelda, I have played various other games such as Faxanadu, Goof Troop, Solstice, etc. and have found each of them useful for self-observation. However, until this summer, Zelda remained the best game for me to use for self-observation. This summer I started playing Quake. Not regular Quake with the monsters but Quake CTF (Capture the Flag) online. Real live people were on the other side of that cyber-creature coming at me with a gun. The security of having learned the routines of the monsters in Zelda was taken away and the element of constant surprise was added. The overhead view of Zelda was replaced by the character point of view of Quake and suddenly video gaming wasn't what it once was. It was, as we say online, in your face. The experience became much more immediate, much more threatening and much more real. Time after time, I would spawn into the game and time after time I would be blown away before I could take a step or fire my weapon. There were messages generated either by the computer or by other players rolling by at the top of the screen too fast for me to read and stay alive, though I was sure I was missing vital information. The sounds of battle raged around me and the screams of other players dying were mixed with the sound of my own dying scream and the sight of my body falling in pieces about me. Time after time - unremitting death. Disorientation and chaos ruled. Capture the Flag? - I didn't even know where I was. Having an aim over many lifetimes became more than a concept as I struggled to be able to do something as simple as recognize the room into which I was spawned. Playing Quake CTF was generating in me sensations the sweet gentle Zelda never did. A rich new field of self-observation had opened up. Having learned the benefits of long hours of intense play from my sessions with Zelda I was once again (and still am) spending long hard hours at play - this time online. All night sessions are by no means a thing of the past and I have observed that I often play past the point of what I and others of my ilk would have once called fun having learned there is something to find out once I cross the fun point. What that something is always changes.