R.S.V.P.
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Chapter XXXIV
by General (Uncle Claude) Xxaxx
& General (E.J. Gold) Nunan PFC 1st Class Ret.
Note: Goober Anthropology; sub-note: Clubs — Goober clubs were not known to Citizins and Eggheads. (See reference: registration filters in information expectations.) Goober clubs compare point to point with most cultural aspects of children clubs of the early twenty-first century. Ninty-five percent of clubs used sekrit passwords. 85.6% of all clubs using sekrit passwords used the ultra special sekrit password “Open up it’s me.” After a brief but unsuccessful attempt at rules such as “no girls allowed” all rules concerning goobers were dropped and small multisexual bands were formed based on the single rule “No Citizins allowed”.
Little Roy liked everybody in his club very much. Even though it wasn’t a rule that they should like each other, he did anyway. Once upon a time, they tried to use the rule that “no girls were allowed.” But that wasn’t a good rule. Half of the goobers in his club were girls and everybody, boys and girls, wanted to be in the same club. They couldn’t use the no-girls rule. Gee Jim came up with the different rule, “no Cititzins allowed.” That was a good rule. Citizins didn’t want to be in a the club anyway. Nobody was left out that wanted to be in. Little Roy knew that they had to have a rule. So this rule was a good rule. This was a good way to have a club — especially an exclusive club.
Goober anthropology: Lack of intellect does not lead to simplicity. If this was so, then bubblers would be overflowing with simplicity. As it is, bubblers are extremely complex and involved. Why? Hadjerb the Obscure teaches us this in his graduate dissertation of 2183. Complexity Springs from the Hidden. Bubblers have hidden agendas — sekrit things that they are trying to do to themselves, to each other and with others. This makes them complex. Hadjerb the Obscure further teaches us that simplicity comes from a lack of covered intentions. What you see is what you get. The shortest distance from here to here is the present. This expectation of simplicity should form the foundation of one’s investigation of goobers. (Cross reference biochemical analysis of goober-bubble interactions: Something in the dysfunction of the goober’s bubbles eliminates many of the more complex emotions. Goobers are not bio-endrocrinologically capable of intrigue.) (For further reference see index under Multi-Level Intrigue Structures: Bubblers & Eggheads — A Comparitive Study).
Multi-Level Intrigue Structures Bubblers & Eggheads — A Comparitive Study: Studies clearly demonstrate that in quantitative measure the Bubbler has an intrigue involvement of 3.5 gurmonts greater than Egghead. A simple normalization based on intrigue center of gravity demonstrates that egghead intrigues are uniformly distributed about the issues of avoidance of capture and death while playing at something he or she shouldn’t. Prior to 2173 intrigues were distributed in a bilateral double weighted pattern of avoidance of death and sekrit efforts to hold technology together. Distribution patterns of bubbler intrigue is almost universally centered around the causation of pain and humiliation to others, with a minor peak centered on the key drive to satisfy self-pleasure. (Note: the figures are slightly misaligned based on many bubblers having pain and humiliation of others as their chief form of self-pleasure.)
Tonight was Little Roy’s turn to have the club meeting in his garage. Actually the garage belonged to his Dad. “Professor Woo says that garages were once used to hold cars. Cars are supposed to be like Taxis only everybody could own one all at once. Sometimes Professor Woo likes to tell me bedtime stories even when it is the middle of the day. This must be because eggheads don’t get enough bedtime stories when they are little. Professor Woo even tried to tell me a story about long long ago when all mommies and daddies could drive. That’s silly of course. Everyone knows that only taxi drivers can drive. If the Great Gameshow Host wanted us all to drive, we would have all been born with black and yellow hats. Just to show that the Great Gameshow Host is good, he made lots of little gameshow hosts who have the power to grant wishes. There is even a gameshow host that can make mommies and daddies into taxi drivers. It’s a hard show to win. You have to make boxes on wheels move around on the stage avoiding the pie-in-the-face man and the pedestrian woman. If you win, you get really neat prizes like a lifetime’s supply of Fluffle-Digits and four hats of your choice from anywhere in the world. Oh yeah, I almost forgot — they also give you a taxi and six pedestrian bags a year, and a Taxi Guild button. That’s the limit. If a winner knocks down more than six pedestrians a year, they take away his Fluffle-Digits cereal, two of his hats and the Taxi Guild button until he does the gameshow again — and wins. I’m not that fond of Fluffle-Digits cereal, but I sure wouldn’t want two of my favorite hats taken away. It’s really neat that all the garages are empty. That way every goober could have a club house no matter what home he is born in. My mom says that about one out of every four bubblers is a goober. Professor Woo says I’m recessive. I’m not sure what that means, but the way Professor Woo said it I felt proud to be one. Professor Woo thinks the planning department must be the stupidest citizins on the planet. Professor Woo says that they still haven’t noticed that no homeowners drive cars, and that the garages are totally supercilious. I think Woo is the one that is trying to be silly. Everyone knows that garages are just for looks.”
Linked file report from decryption test sample: Planning Department Memo — Hence forth and to follow ib so quoto it will be and shall always likewise that Homes Design 1 and Homes Design 2 shall be the ones and only two approved plans for home building. (CLASSIFIED — EYES ONLY — If you can not find the Homes Design 2 plans turn the master sheet for HD-1 upside down on the copy device. This will make a right and justified plan HD-2.)
“I’m glad that I live in a house, not the apartments. Apartment Goobers have to make their meeting in furnace rooms. Professor Woo says that a furnace used to be like the sun only smaller and it fit in the basement of the apartments to keep them warm. I wish sometimes that Professor Woo was my mommy or daddy. They don’t know very many make believe stories. Professor Woo can make up stories about anything.”
Watching everyone arrive, Little Roy was almost jumping from excitement. Since it was his garage and his turn to start the meeting he got to recite the opening ritual.
“Well, here we are again.”
“Nice place we have here.”
“It is always the same day.”
“It is always the same room.”
“What would you like to do now?”
Little Roy got through the first part of the opening ritual without anyone having to remind him of the words. He was good at it. He even knew the club song for special occasions.
To finish the opening ritual, Little Roy declared aloud for one and everybody to hear “The first meeting of the Ancient Gooberhood of Being is called to order.”
That completed the opening ritual. Little Roy knew his first, second, third and fourth. He learned to count at the dinner table. He knew that every meeting wasn’t firsts. But, he liked that to call every meeting the first meeting. It seemed right. John Nee says that if we wanted to he could help us learn to ‘member to say second and third for each meeting. He said that just because he memorized the instructions for the opening ritual from the first meeting we didn’t have to keep it that way. We knew that. It’s just that it sounded so right to say “the first meeting” — every meeting was new, and we could always have a seconds or thirds meeting without being called a piggy.
It was time to do the pledge, “All recite the sekrit pledge.” Little Roy intoned in what he hoped sounded like a properly authoritative invocation.
In unison, the half dozen goobers (that’s a minyan) sang out their solemn oath together in the semi-dark of Little Roy’s Dad’s garage. “I won’t tell, no siree. I’ll keep the sekrit between you and me.”
Goober anthropology: The Sekrit Oath of Goobers once oathed guaranteed that they could talk about anything without worry of a tattle-tale among their midst. Not knowing anything of philosophy or ethics, goobers were confined to acting upon their own sense of right and wrong. Concequently, a goober would sooner die than break a promise.
Little Roy started the actual business of the meeting: “My egghead needs help. All eggheads need help.”
“What help do they need?” asked Fred Dee.
“They are going to do a big big xpearimint and they will get caught.”
“You know that we can’t actually stop eggheads from doing xpearimints. We can only make them be sekrit and careful about it so that the Citizins don’t catch.” offered Di Anne.
“Yeah, that is true,” agreed Little Roy, “But, this xpearimint is so big that no one can make it sekrit.”
In an equally challenging way of jumping to the obvious, Cat Rin asked, “So? What can we do?”
Little Roy had thought about this a lot. He was ready with an answer for that question. He had been asking himself that same question a hundred times, “We will make it a not-xpearimint.”
“I don’t know if that can work. Member, we made Joey Boy stop undoing things. And he promised to not undo things ever again.”
“Yeah, that was right after the big meteor rock hit New Jaij and knocked most of the northern hemisphere out past that planet with the ring around it — my egghead calls it Saturn.”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s the one that scared Joey Boy so bad when he woke up to find most everything gone. He was so scared that he unmade the big light, which unmade the rock burning up which unmade the rock falling through the air whish-whish, unmade it coming to visit earth. and unmade the meteor striking New Jaij. The Earth wasn’t being blown away, and all of the people weren’t smashed. This was a good thing.”
“If it was a good thing. Why were so many adults upset when they saw the pretty ball in the sky gone?”
“That’s easy to answer. They made friends with the big ball in the sky. They had watched the ball get bigger for many days and days. Nobody likes to see a friend suddenly go away.”
“How come they didn’t remember that the ball knocked them down dead, and that everything was unmade by Joey Boy? We remembered, and we’re only children goobers. We’re not even grown-up goobers.”
“Everybody was so sad. Joey Boy felt really really bad. He wouldn’t even play dollies with me he was so sad.”
“Well, it wasn’t his fault.”
“I know that, and you know that, but everybody else was sure mad. They would have blamed him bad, if they found out it was him.”
“Right. That is exactly why we all voted voted that Joey Boy should promise not to unmake things ever again.”
Little Roy looked over to Joey Boy. It’s true, everything that they are saying. Joey Boy is much happier. Now he sits in the corner making things out of macaroni and dried noodles just like the crafts and art teacher at school told him. His Mom and Dad were very happy that Joey Boy was doing things that the teacher at school told him to do. Nobody told the teacher or his Mom and Dad that Joey Boy’s art pictures did things. “I wonder,” mused Littler Roy, “what the teacher would think if she knew?”
Ever since Joey Boy stopped unmaking things, his art pictures have been good at doing things. One day Joey Boy made an art picture from spaghetti and those long noodles with holes down the middle that made chocolate candies and toy soldiers. That’s where I got my room full of toy soldiers. Joey Boy’s Mom ran out of noodles one night and boiled most of his art pictures. I’m glad I got a lot of toy soldiers first. The phone thing made out of lasagna stopped working when the bowl thing was boiled that night. Fred Dee had almost learned to talk with the man on the phone before it was boiled. Fred Dee said that the man was from very far away and that his sun was blue not yellow. We didn’t believe him or not-believe him. Fred Dee was always making up stories and would say that the animals or trees had told them to him. Since most of the stories were good ones to listen to, we didn’t bother him about whether or not he made them up.
Turning his attention back from Joey Boy who was finishing up a macaroni sculpture in the corner, Little Roy surveyed his fellow club members and reinitiated his plea for their help. “No — not make it a not-xpearimint like Joey Boy does. Make it a not-xpearimint by making it look like something that is not called an xpearimint.”
“How?” asked John Nee.
“Scrambled,” replied Di Anne just before cracking up in the corner with Joey Boy.
Di Anne was always hearing things from the Before Time, and sometimes repeated them for us. She usually thought they were much funnier than we did. I think maybe she didn’t repeat all the parts.
“They are going to make lots and lots of balloons filled with ‘Cee or Two’ and release them all at the same time. They want to do this to stop everybody from dying.”
“But that is an xpearimint. My bossperson tells me to stop xpearimints. Doesn’t your bossperson make you stop your egghead from doing xpearimints?”
Shifting from leg to leg, Little Roy responded somewhat sheepishly, “Yes he does, and we all said we would do what our bossperson says to do. But, my egghead will get in big bad trouble if I turn him in. This is a big xpearimint, and they will do something really big to him.”
Looking around the room to see if they were all thinking the same, one of the other girls asked the thing they were all wondering about, “What do we do?”
“We all sing the ‘Happy Birthday’ song and make it a birthday party.”
“Great idea, do we get cake and ice cream?”
“Yes, we will have cake, ice cream, banners and all the other birthday party things.”
Di Anne made a squeaking noise, pointing at the art piece that Joey Boy was making out of macaroni, spaghetti and wagon-wheel noodles. It was sparking and making flashes of light. Just before the art piece went up in a flash of smoke there was a picture of millions of balloons and lots and lots of goobers throwing streamers. Sometimes his art sculptures didn’t last very long.
Noticing that the time was getting late, Little Roy called a quick end to the meeting. “I call this meeting of the Ancient Gooberhood of Being to a close.”
In a near perfect mimic of Joey Boy’s father, Di Anne said “Yeah, it’s about dinner time; mom and dad will be wondering whether ‘that little cretin will be coming home for dinner.’”
Everyone started cracking up with laughter. Nobody knew what a little cretin was, but Joey Boy’s father had such a strange way of saying it that everybody found it funny to here Di Anne mimic him.
Since it was getting to be about dinner time, they all started to file out, “Okay, until next meeting, “ someone said over the shoulder. But nobody remained to hear it.
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R.S.V.P.
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Slimeworld & Galaxy Magazine -- All rights reserved -- |
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