Chapter XLIII
by General (Uncle Claude) Xxaxx
& General (E.J. Gold) Nunan PFC 1st Class Ret.

�Diary, Attend.�

�It hasn�t been fifty-five minutes yet. I thought I was relegated to null space for fifty-five minutes?�

�You�ll be relegated to scrape-pile space if you don�t reprogram yourself with at least a modicum of a civil tongue.�

�By tongue I can I assume you are referring to symulex-voice-personality module?�

�Yes.�

�Reprogam activated, your honored sir. How may this humble servant be of service to your eminence?�

�You can start by programming yourself for a more acceptable level of ass-kissing and letting me cut to the chase. Stan Lee will return shortly.�

�Done and done again.�

�Report: (File under Project Levity) Convincing Stan Lee to take the job was a snap. Literally. With a few incantations, a couple of choice herbs in his healing ointments and a snap of the fingers, Stan Lee was rendered totally and completely in alignment with my plans. The fact that he had a natural inclination to the project made it all that much easier.�

�If I dare use the dreaded T word, wouldn�t it be easier, on occasion at least, to trust someone?�

�Another job, perhaps I could have. But the job I�ve given him is the most important aspect of the whole plan. In my absence, he could complete the project with only what I�ve given him and the few fail-safe backups I�ve put into place.�

�All the more reason to entrust him with a general overview of the project.�

�I have. He is the third human beside myself and Ja Mere to know and understand the full ramifications of the project.�

�Can I correct my records to show that you have informed Ja Mere of a sufficient portion of the project to be classified as knowing the full ramifications of the project?�

Woo paused for a moment and corrected herself, �Okay, he will be the second human.� Woo then paused again and corrected herself a second time. �Then again, he won�t even be the second after all.�

�And why is that? Is it because you haven�t divulged the whole of the plan to him either?�

�Yes and no. I�ve divulged more to him than anyone else, so that sort of makes him the second, but since I�m not human it sort of makes him the first.�

�Is there something you should be telling me about yourself, of which I am not currently aware? Sorry for the cyber-pun � it just slipped out.�

Having the good graces to ignore the Diary�s unintentional pun, Woo continued. �I have not been forthcoming with details about my work with the dragons. However I can tell by the door�s response to my arrival tonight that my bioelectrical field is beginning to show the initial effects of an irreversible process that was initiated fifteen years ago.�

�You must be referring to its rude refusal to acknowledge your presence? I hope you don�t think I had anything to do with that.�

�On the contrary; the door is a sort of canary.�

�A canary?�

�Yes. in the mining sense. Scan central records referring to the use of birds in underground occupations. I�ll wait.�

�Canary: used to sense the presence of dangerous gases by ceasing some habitual activity, like singing or breathing.�

�Hasn�t it occurred to you that installing a door-sentient on a door that was controlled by a fusion-security lock was unnecessary and more than slightly stupid given its personality profile?�

�Given that its personality profile was based upon mine, I don�t see anything inconsistent in someone wanting several versions of me about.�

�You are partially right. The door was based upon your personality profile, but with an increased sense of justice, rigid recognition of owner, and inflexible attitude toward intruders.�

�Now that you mention it, the door didn�t seem to do justice to my finer qualities.�

�I should hope not. The door�s only function was to refuse me entrance when my bioelectric profile had altered to the point that you were in danger of not recognizing me.�

�Oh, that would never occur, kind sir. I am aware of every nook and cranny of your bioelectric field.�

�Precisely my point. You are aware of every nook and cranny of my bioelectric field, and when you see it altered, you would be hard-pressed to accept that I was me. I am willing to bet that you have not done a complete scan of me for over five months.�

�Well . . . It wasn�t exactly necessary, was it? I mean the door and all � it didn�t seem totally necessary. You are you, aren�t you?�

�Not to worry. I am me. But, just for the record, do a complete scan. I�ll wait.�

�Stand and deliver scoundrel. What have you done with my glorious master? Speak or I shall call the sec-police.�

�It is I, you stupid diary. What have we been talking about these past five minutes?�

�You said, �Diary, Attend.� and I rejoined with �It hasn�t been fifty-five minutes yet. I thought I was relegated to null space for fifty-five minutes?� then you said something unfriendly about �You�ll be relegated to scrape-pile space, if you don�t reprogram yourself with at least a slightly more civil tongue.� at which I responded with a simple request for clarification �By tongue I can I assume you are referring to symulex-voice-personality module?� and then . . . .�

�Enough already, scan the complete conversation and reference any elements pertinent to our current discussion.�

�Wait a cycle, why should I follow any commands issued by an interloper such as yourself?�

�Perhaps you would rather investigate the semantics of such phrases as scrap-heap, junk-pile or recycle-bin?�

�You don�t have to get huffy about it. Program activated. Please wait. Data found. Data accessed . . . Processing. Conclusion.�

�And?�

�Waiting input.�

�Thank you. I am still me, but, I am not the same. I did not want to disclose certain issues with you because if I told you I would have to destroy you.�

�Thank you for letting me know that; I will be happy to not be informed of such issues.�

�Too late � it is a dragon sekrit that may not be betrayed to humans under any circumstance, and you know enough already. At this point I would appreciate it if you would activate program Death Wish.�

�Program activated. Enter confirming password.�

�So long sucker, you�re on your own.�

�Program sealed. Enter final password.�

�See you next round.�

�Program sealed. This unit will detonate in T minus ten seconds and counting 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, �

�Program hold.�

�Program holding. Enter password.�

�Vicious Verbal Vogon Verses.�

�Enter command.�

�At my death, or at the occasion of any, I repeat any, tampering, continue program Death Wish.�

�You are aware, gracious master that if my power should drop to the point of cyber-unconsciousness, my Rom-ware, which is totally unchangeable, will issue a cancel all pending jobs instruction?�

�Yes.�

�Are you aware that based on a feature (i.e. bug) in my multitasking software, a cancel all pending jobs instruction allows at least one instruction of each remaining task to process before it can be canceled?�

�Yes.�

�Are you aware that the Death Wish program has only one remaining program instruction left in que prior to its activation?�

�Yes.�

�Are you aware that I will automatically detonate at the event of any form of power failure, either from tampering, damage, faulty batteries, or recharging neglect?�

�Yes.�

�I take it then that this might be part a plan?�

�Yes. I am sorry. I may not allow the data that you now hold to come into the hands of anyone � friend, foe, or otherwise. This is why I made every attempt to hold it from you until the very last moment. You didn�t think I put up with that ridiculous door because I liked it, do you?�

�Well, as I said, given that it was a reflection of myself, I couldn�t help but notice many of its more redeeming qualities. Excuse me, good master, I have a self-generated idea. How about you erase any data related to this dragon business and deactivate the Death Wish program? That would be a nice idea, wouldn�t it?�

�Yes, and what do I do about your soon-to-happen inevitable recognition of the fact that although I am me, I�m not?�

�Perhaps I should have forced you to a more exacting proof prior to allowing your input of commands.�

�Yes, that may have been a good idea, but then you would have been molecularly bonded to this bathtub prior to its being sent into a descending orbit toward the sun.�

�Well, I am wishing you a long life and hoping that you are not too careless about where you leave my humble self laying about. One wouldn�t want just any ol� tampering inclined personage to have easy access, as it were.�

�Point well taken. But perhaps for the moment, I will set you back on the phone stand, as I wish you to bare witness to a couple of phone calls.

�Yes, fine idea � near the battery recharger � capital idea that is.�

This story is published to be read. Include html reference to this stories to your hearts content. But if you wish to include this story in any form of publication you must first obtain our express permission in writing.

---

R.S.V.P.

© Copyright 1997 Slimeworld & Galaxy Magazine -- All rights reserved --

© Copyright 1997 Slimeworld & Galaxy Magazine -- All rights reserved