EggHead & I Chapter LII

Chapter LII
by General (Uncle Claude) Xxaxx
& General (E.J. Gold) Nunan PFC 1st Class Ret.

“Go to Di Anne’s house,” Woo told herself. And go to Di Anne’s house, Woo did. “What now, Miss Woo? What you going to do now that you’re here?” she asked herself between hushed breaths.

“Wait outside in the bushes for Di Anne in the chilly pre-dawn hours,” was Woo’s answer. And waiting outside in the bushes, Woo was. “No point in confronting bubbler parents. No way will they be sympathetic or helpful to an egghead’s troubles or needs. Except perhaps to turn me in to Ted Dee’s Most Wanted Show in hopes of becoming contestants. This has got to be a first. I can’t imagine anyone else in the history of egghead/goober relations, waiting outside a goober’s house crouched down between bushes for them to emerge so that he or she could ask the aforesaid goober for help. Goobers are assigned to watch eggheads and turn them in.”

Sociology Goober/Egghead Relations. It is accepted dogma that goobers are directly responsible for the abduction of the eggheads they are assigned to monitor. However, given that each goober-guard disappears on the exact same day as the egghead he or she was assigned to watch, there is no confirming evidence that the goober-guard was actually responsible. Evidence logged by research xpearimintalist Ja Mere seems to point toward the development of a warm bond on the part of the goober toward the egghead he or she is assigned to watch.

“Actually even though every egghead would have you believe otherwise,” Woo thought aloud. “As much as eggheads would pretend otherwise, it is unlikely that the little guys intentionally turn anyone in. It is more likely that something said inadvertently in passing to their bossperson during debriefing sessions was the trigger of arrests and consequent disappearances. It is doubtful that even if one could talk to the goober involved, they would have any concept that something they said or did led to the arrest of themselves and the egghead they were watching.”

Waiting in (and talking to) the bushes until dawn and possibly Di Anne’s leaving her house to play with friends, Woo had plenty of time to ponder the events of the previous day and night. “One thing is obvious, Woo, ol’ gal, too many patterns are folding back in on themselves. Too many convenient and useful coincidences are piling up.”

The absurdity of her situation suddently struck Woo as very humorous. Switching into a voice that was meant to be her imitation of a Vidi announcer from the Captain Kaptain show, Woo continued, “Once again we find our hero waiting expectantly, listening to each and every sound, ever on the lookout for the rarest and most valuable of animals a helpful goober. Keeping a sharp witted wary eye for the ever present bosspersons, chasing our hero for reasons unknown and chasing goobers and eggheads for reasons undisclosed. Will Captain Kaptain make it through another adventure? Will she manage to avoid being turned into malted-mush? Will the sponsors continue to pay huge sums of money to advertise during the next hour? Only you, our viewers, know for sure. Stay tuned as we continue after this station break with the Continuing Adventures of Captain Kaptain.”

Fooling around in this fashion, Woo nearly missed the scene silhouetted in Di Anne’s bedroom window. Looking up, Woo caught the very end of what must have been a lengthy dressing process. “Awfully early for a goober to be up, isn’t it? And, what’s this? Here comes Fred Dee — escort and temporal anchor.”

Crouched out of view behind bushes, Woo could very clearly follow Fred Dee’s progress up the walk way to the door of Di Anne’s house, not knock on the door as one might expect. “No knocking or bell ringing for this boy. Too early to wake ol’ bubbler mom and dad. And what’s this? Is that the unmistakable odor of carbohydrate byproducts I smell on the wind? Yes, it must be one of Joey Boy’s pasta and paste creations. I wonder what Fred Dee is up to.”

Having set the device in place to the side of the front steps, Fred Dee snuck in the best vidi fashion across the front of Di Anne’s house toward her window, illuminated dimly by the early morning light. When the comically over clandestine goober made it to Di Anne’s window, Woo can hear a tap tap tapping at window pane.

Note Structural Analysis of Late Twenty-third Century Window Structures: With the advent of complete interior and exterior environmental conditioning and the difficulty bubblers had in dealing with moving parts, windows were designed to no longer function in the ancient fashion — at least not in terms of opening.

From her vantage behind a bush, Woo watched as Di Anne walked over to the window, waved at her friend, turned, and left her room. Moments later, Di Anne emerged from the front door waving goodbye. Mom and Dad, who, if they were like all Citizens cursed with a goober offspring, paid little or no attention to their daughter’s comings and goings, and were most likely still in bed. There were no vidi shows scheduled this early in the morning, and what citizin would bother getting up if there was not vidi programming to watch.

Woo noted to herself, “How strange it is to see the warm affection with which the goobers treat everyone. Their hearts are like the ancient advertising slogans, “The bottomless cup of coffee”. On the other hand, citizins had no love to give. Even if they were awake at this hour, they would most likely studiously ignore their goober offspring’s comings and goings. Except, perhaps, to give a silent prayer that today would be the day she didn’t return.”

Woo followed Joey Boy and Di Anne as they started down the street hand in hand. As Woo understood first hand, it was more than natural affection that led Joey Boy to hold Di Anne’s hand. His job was to keep her temporally grounded in the present. For Di Anne it was like the old joke. She didn’t have to worry about staying in the present, she was always in the present — but when?

Following the two goobers along the streets, Woo lost track of time. The sun was up and dawn had turned to early morning. Even though she may misplace her sense of direction from time to time, Woo had the remarkable ability to always know exactly where she was. Most people measure their position in the universe relative to their latest interest or most active current hunger. Woo gauged her position in the universe relative to the matrix of space. A bit disconcerting when one considers the immense velocities with which one is traversing through the matrix. With help of a few tricks of coordinate renormalization, Woo has managed to get along with this quirk of hers for years — and only vomit occasionally.

With this kind of certainty, Woo was certain that this was the garage from which she observed Little Roy and his gang of goobers emerge so many hours ago. It didn’t take a street sign to tell Woo that she was back at the goober’s meeting place. In spite of her fundamental worry for Little Roy and Ja Mere, Woo was excited at the prospects of witnessing a goober meeting.

“Now if only I can find a suitable vantage point, perhaps something like a jungle rat.” Woo thought aloud as she finished the moderately elaborate hand and arm gestures required to turn herself into a small but frisky jungle rat — more of a mouse or disheveled gerbil, if truth be known.

Scuttling under the door, Woo followed Di Anne and Joey Boy into the garage and found a rather nice front side seat in the cupboards from which to watch the goobers have their meeting. “What an unexpected treat?” Woo squeaked, looking at a small piece of dried bread and cheese. Catching herself, Woo admonished herself, “I’d better be careful. My mousey mind must be exerting influence if this dried up carbo and undefined animal fats looks appetizing. When cockroaches and termites start looking appetizing, meeting or no meeting, it’s back to human form for me.”

Normally, since the meeting was being held in Little Roy’s garage, he would be the one to recite the opening ritual. But tonight’s meeting was being held to discuss his disappearance. So breaking with tradition, Fred Dee led the opening ritual.

Following Fred Dee’s lead, the group recited in unison:

“Well, here we are again.”

“Nice place we have here.”

“It is always the same day.”

“It is always the same room.”

“What would you like to do now?”

With that, the opening ritual was complete and the second meeting of the Ancient Gooberhood of Being was called to order. Tonight, for the first time ever, since the Ancient Gooberhood of Being was formed, they called to order a second meeting of AGOB — for the first time ever they had old business. This was the first meeting to not be a “first meeting”.

“All recite the sekrit pledge,” Fred Dee intoned the pledge of not tattle-taling.

In unison, the young goobers sang out their solemn oath together, “I won’t tell, no siree. I’ll keep the sekrit between you and me.”

Now that the sekrit oath was oathed, they could discuss business with no worry of a breach of ethics by a tattle-tale. A goober would sooner die than break a promise.

“Myself, Fred Dee, and Joey Boy, Di Anne, John Nee, and Cat Rin, all are in meeting; all present and accounted for.”

“Except Little Roy,” whispered Professor Woo in a mouse voice too small to be heard — or, so she thought

“Fred Dee, you start the meeting, you live closest to Little Roy.”

“Okay, I will start this meeting. I am sad that in Little Roy’s Dad’s garage it is not Little Roy who is leading this meeting. That is why we are here. Little Roy is missing. Cat Rin, you tell us what you told me.”

Cat Rin shifted in her chair uneasily. She was not much for talking aloud. “Today, a short time ago, I no longer could find Little Roy.”

Fred Dee, assuming the role of a Vidi D.A., asked, “Could the alleged Little Roy have been allegedly sent to some other alleged country without asking?”

“I could touch him if he was any place under the sun — or moon for that matter.”

Fred Dee continued his helpful examination of Cat Rin, “What if the alleged Little Roy was allegedly made to be dead?”

“I could touch his spirit.”

Fred Dee with all the same drama that any good Vidi D.A. would bring to a summation continued, “So allegedly what you are allegedly saying is that this alleged Little Roy person is allegedly not here.”

“Yes.”

“And, allegedly he is not dead. Are we correct in allegedly assuming that?”

“Yes, yes I admit it, he is gone; I can’t find him.”

“This is serious,” interjected Di Anne, “we all know that Cat Rin can always touch us and never does not-know where we are. Even when I get lost in other times, she can touch me.”

Just then, Fred Dee turned to Professor Woo and asked, “Perhaps our furry friend has something that she can add.”

The small fur-ball that was Professor Woo sputtered in surprise. Momentarily, Professor Woo regained her composure. In an unnecessary attempt to gain something of an upper hand, Woo shifted her form into human. With a puff of smoke and brimstone, added for effect, Woo materialized in a human form, hopefully looking rather menacing, in a friendly sort of way, of course. Looking at the five goober faces totally devoid of any shock or bemusement, Woo knew that this crew was not the usual group of goobers. Or, perhaps this was normal for goobers. Woo hadn’t actually paid much attention to goobers until now. Woo had always assumed that Little Roy was the unique and unusual goober. Perhaps all goobers were unique and unusual — each in his or her own way? If not for the things that Woo had seen and heard over the course of the past few days, she could never have even entertained such a thought let alone invite it out for a walk.

Professor Woo looked from goober to goober studying each in turn, trying to penetrate into the heart of their mystery. Their hearts were clear and their thoughts clean, but the way of their lives was held from her view by the simplicity of their alienness. Pausing for a moment, Woo continued with her thoughts in silence. Using a small spell of Dragon magic, is was easy for Woo to see into Cat Rin’s inner vision. It was, indeed, true that somehow she had the innate ability to touch her friends no matter where they may be, alive or dead. The array of those that she called friend was staggering. Cat Rin did indeed live a rich inner life. But, look as Woo may, there was no trace of Little Roy amongst the multitude of contacts. He was not on this planet and he was not dead — at least not yet. This left Woo with but one conclusion. Little Roy, and most certainly Ja Mere, along with him, must have been taken into an alternate realm that was not connected directly with this plane. A cold chill spread up Woo’s back.

Looking to Fred Dee, Woo spoke, “As you say, I am your friend, but I am usually not that little, and certainly not that furry. I don’t know where Little Roy has gone, but gone he has, and it is the bosspersons that have taken him along with my friend, Ja Mere.” On instinct, Woo looked to John Nee and continued, “You lead me to the last where you know them to have been and I shall find them and bring them back. That I promise you.”

“You are Little Roy’s egghead,” One of the goobers said, stating the obvious for all to hear.

“Yes, I am the egghead to which Little Roy was assigned.”

“No, you are Little Roy’s egghead,” Another goober chimed in.

A third goober added, “Little Roy said we can trust you. If you are going to find him, we will help you look. We want our friend back. The bosspersons don’t have any right to take him away from us.”

In what was one of the longest dialogues to issue forth from a goober in Woo’s experience, help was offered and Woo was won over to these delightful creatures.

“Look into this,” Joey Boy directed Woo.

The “this” that Joey Boy was referring to looked like a haphazard pile of noodles and string. But as Woo looked into the depth of the matrix formed by the string and pasta, she saw the image of a wet side street and factory complex emerging from the confusion of lines. It may have been an illusion or it may have been a vision. It definitely was the factory buildings down on Glea Son Street. Of this Woo was sure. This was a logical place for the bosspersons to take Little Roy and Ja Mere. Few, if any eggheads, frequented the area, and no goober would go there without the express need of following his or her egghead. This was an abandoned area left in disuse since the need for munitions was cut to zero after the coming of bubbles and bosspersons. There has not been a violent crime since the appearance of bubbles. At least none that caused damage to a bubble. Unfortunately, for eggheads, this was not so true.

After showing her the building structure where the bosspersons took Little Roy, the goobers turned to Professor Woo to say good bye. Di Anne had a strange look upon her face as she said goodbye after the others. Leaning toward Woo, Di Anne whispered into the wind, “Goodbye mother, say hello to your children, the bosspersons; alone they have been wicked and need your love.”

Suitably confused by this last remark, Woo left the garage and the suburban track, heading off to the factory district. “It used to be so easy to dismiss the strange comments of goobers as simple minded misstatements. I wish I could discount them now; so much of what they have to say is way too disturbing.”

continued

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