I'm a newbie. Here, in writing, I suppose it's safe to say this, but in there, in the game, in Team Fortress, I wonder whether or not it's such a good idea. Yesterday, I went into a game and quickly became distressed when my character began moving jerkily due to lags and modem breaks. This just happens sometimes, I'm told, but I disliked the sensations of disorientation. I had no idea how to move. Even under the best of conditions, my character tends to weave drunkenly, hitting walls and falling off ramps, as well as stopping because it's completely lost, or it's seeing other characters moving through and it's trying to keep the colors straight: "Is this one on my team, or do I shoot?" By the time it decides, I'm usually reading how it died-if I'm quick enough! As it happened, yesterday, with all the lags and breaks, I died very quickly over and over, never knowing what, where, who, or why-although I think the same guy was getting me every time. Finally, I decided to announce that I was a newbie, hoping it would help. It didn't. It made it worse. I felt like a bug announcing its presence to a room full of humans by scurrying across the floor in full view. Squash. Later in the day, far away from computers and computer games, my brain began grappling with a question-mainly: "Is it or is it not a good idea to enter a space-any space-and announce to the environment, verbally or non-verbally, that one is present and vulnerable... a newbie..." Obviously, I thought, some spaces are safer than others. I also realized how I tend to wear my sense of insecurity on my sleeve wherever I go. And where am I going? Well, I'm always looking for a safe space! In Quake and Team Fortress there are no safe spaces, so it brings it all out-all the terror and insecurity which is going on under the surface all the time, anyway. Are there really any safe spaces? I doubt it, and I imagine that even if I went somewhere that was supposedly safe, that even had a sign announcing "You are safe here, please relax," I wouldn't believe it. Would you? What about spiders and spider webs? Even at home, among friends and family, in a nice secure house that's warm and snug with plenty of food, and nice furniture-with lots of cushions-it's still possible to make a wrong move accidentally. A wrong word, figure of speech, facial expression, a clumsy movement such as tripping over a cushion and spilling something-all kinds of things! Answers anyone? At the moment, I'm thinking the best thing is not to care. No matter how graceful (or graceless) one becomes, it will never be enough. And yet, how does one disengage their emotional identification from all this fear? Catatonic withdrawal doesn't work, dying doesn't work-not for long, nor do drugs or stress management classes. Nothing works. However, I could be wrong; maybe I have incomplete data, or maybe it just takes practice, or an attitude of not caring about the fact of caring and worrying. If anyone has a response, please send it in. We newbies need lots of data and help. How do you cope?